A Black family playing a board game. Credit: National Cancer Institute/Unsplash
As conversations around mental health, trauma, and emotional intelligence expand, many Black adults are rethinking these inherited parenting practices.
This post was originally published on Defender Network
Black mothers have long carried the weight of a unique and complicated history when it comes to parenting.
For generations, the traditional âtough loveâ approachâmarked by strict discipline and, often, corporal punishment/spankingâwas seen as essential for raising children to survive in a world that persistently devalues Black lives. Rooted in protection and survival, these methods aimed to âhardenâ children against racism and injustice.
Yet today, as conversations around mental health, trauma and emotional intelligence expand, many Black mothers are rethinking these inherited practices. A growing number are embracing gentler, more intentional parenting stylesâshifting away from the automatic use of spanking or harsh discipline and toward nurturing emotional safety, self-expression and psychological resilience.
This shift is not just a passing trend; itâs a radical response to centuries of emotional suppression and systemic oppression. At its heart is a powerful recognition: that raising successful, thriving Black children means prioritizing responsibility and accountability, self-worth, vulnerability and emotional well-being.
A History Rooted in Survival
The origins of strict discipline in Black households are deeply intertwined with Americaâs racial history. From slavery through Jim Crow and beyond, Black parents often adopted a âno-nonsenseâ approach to parenting, not out of cruelty, but from a fierce love and a desire to shield their children from the worldâs brutalities.
âThe tough love approach functioned as a survival mechanism. If you got spanked, it was because your parents wanted to protect you from something worse out there,â said Dr. Stacey Patton, author of Spare the Kids: Why Whupping Children Wonât Save Black America. âBut survival-based parenting doesnât serve us anymore. Itâs time to evolve.â
A Pew Research study found that Black parents are about twice as likely as white parents to use physical discipline. For many, itâs what they knewâand what they thought worked. But Patton argues that itâs not about what âworked.â Itâs about what was normalized.
âPeople say, âI got spanked and I turned out fine,ââ she said. âBut if you really turned out fine, youâd be able to say, âThat didnât feel like love. That felt like fear.ââ
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