July 15, 2021

On Going Home

Emil Beckford
Photo By:Photo Attributed

This time in two days, I’ll be in Missouri! I haven’t been home since last October and I’m excited to go and see my people. I need to do my laundry before I pack, so I guess that’ll happen tomorrow. I also have to work all day tomorrow, so that’ll happen tomorrow too.

My therapist asked me to some introspective journaling so I guess I’ll try to do that after I send this out.

I’m not thrilled to get on an airplane. Just like close proximity to people and being unable to move. I feel like people are gonna be maskless because where there’s a will, there’s a way. Maybe I can pull an all nighter so I just conk out. Or maybe I’ll work on music stuff. Or maybe I’ll read.

I did some writing and producing this week for like the first time since May and that was cool! It’s nice having inspiration and stuff.

If you could imagine a cross between Blinding Lights by the Weeknd and Do You Wanna Be Mine by Mikaela Davis with also elements of Automatic by the Pointer Sisters, I think that’s the vibe. If only I were actually a good house producer. It’s okay.

I was supposed to have a list of grad programs I wanted to apply to before I went home and there’s no way that’s happening before Tuesday considering I have to work all day tomorrow.

I could’ve/should’ve used part of my 4-day weekend last weekend to do that, but I didn’t. I can sit around and waste time I don’t have like nobody’s business, entirely to my own detriment.

Like I fully think at this point the biggest roadblock in my path to going back to school/becoming a therapist is me. I just won’t do the work. It doesn’t light a fire in me. It peaks an interest but like hasn’t inspired me to change my behavior so I don’t know what that’s about.


Music has been the same way, but I’ve been trying to approach music less as like this thing to be monetized or made into a career and just back to like I have an idea and try to follow it if it wants to become something regardless of whether it’s “good.”

It’s that thing people talk about of just having many many songs, some of which are bad, and then when the time comes to release stuff, some of those will probably be good.

I think I’m afraid to write a bad song similarly to how I’m afraid to screw up at my job or like in this whole grad school thing. Maybe I’ll get it together if I’m able to relinquish some of that fear. Just a thought.

I’m gonna bring my keyboard home and maybe I’ll work on some stuff but knowing myself, I won’t. And that’s okay. We’ll see what fits in the backpack.

I’ve been listening to music and going to art shows and networking and it’s been weird. For New Haven people, my friend Jisu is having an art show that opened on Saturday and runs until August 7th at Never Ending Books. She put it together with another artist named Kuli and it’s all so cool. Please go check it out.

The exhibit also reminded me that I Still Think of You by Yiann is a beautiful song. Also I was introduced to the Tedeschi Trucks Band this week and wow wow they’re very good. Like sometimes they feel like a less poppy version of Lake Street Dive but also that’s the understatement of the century. They’re a jam band and they can do it all. Here is their tiny desk concert.

Also Middle School Weezer Cover Goes Horribly WrongWendy Williams saying “Death to all of them,” and girl constantly out-singing her friend (little language warning) have occupied a lot of mental space for me. 


The memes this week are less memes and more visual statements. First off, I love Hiatus Kaitoye’s new album Mood Valiant, but Choose Your Weapon is a fricking masterpiece as far as I’m concerned and I’m glad Francis is giving it the position it deserves.

Also, crows are self-aware and ‘know what they know’ just like humans, so apparently you can start crow wars. Should I have written this instead of doing work or journaling or sleeping? I don’t know but I stand by this decision.

Hope y’all are doing well. Good luck with this week. If you’ve got something coming, you can do it! Until next week…

Emil

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Songs About Isolation is out and is available on all streaming platforms.

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