September 18, 2021

Getting Pass the Incarceration and Back on the Outside: Allies or Adversaries

Pastor Richard Jackson

One has become accustomed to making certain decisions without asking you for your input or opinions, because quite frankly, there weren’t relevant to the right now situation. When a person returned to that same place, its not personally, nor is it cruel or revengeful from the other parent, this is the activities that have taken place, since you left.

Part 3 of The Pain of Incarceration

There are some males and females, who tend to not understand, when reintegrating back into society that your place is not the same as it was when you left. The position you held as the head or care providing parent, has changed.

One has become accustomed to making certain decisions without asking you for your input or opinions, because quite frankly, there weren’t relevant to the right now situation. When a person returned to that same place, its not personally, nor is it cruel or revengeful from the other parent, this is the activities that have taken place, since you left.

I saw this myself. When I entered the house after prison, I’d immediately went back into father’s mode, and I was rejected by silence and no response to my instructions. 

My ex-wife was the go-to person, and I was just coming back into the picture. Children are glad to see you but, in their minds, how long is it this time before you go back?

Conversations are necessary long before the release dates take place, with the parent, if possible, pertaining to the period of adjustments, when the person comes home. Now for those returning to a home, where their children (child) aren’t present, usually they have a better understanding of the situation and make the proper adjustments.

Photo by Associated Press

Still, when raising the children, some men experience the relationship connections aren’t allies, but adversaries and usually this conclusion is drawn comes from lack of trust, accountability and dependability. Sometimes, the co-parent isn’t as educated or informed as the other and so, that person feels a certain way about the handling of their children, as if they don’t matter.

This is how conflicts begin, arguments take place and soon domestic violence erupts into serious painful results. Why? Lack of communication, not understanding the boundaries, not understanding this is not a war but co-parenting and you must step up.

Let’s stay with the struggles women face. She had dealt with every situation possible, in raising the children, buying everything, feeding them, crying with them and here this person comes, complaining about why they can’t wear the shoes he just purchased? They are too small.

They will wear them on school day. Because there weren’t any conversations about the children, he now has an attitude and if that’s not enough, that experience has been transferred to his friends. They agree with him and share their same experiences about the drama of the baby’s mama.

Photo by Associated Press

What they are leaving out from the venting conversations are the no child support payments, no shows for events and their refusal to address the reality, you can’t lead where you have no present. Co-parenting only works when the children best interest is first and foremost.

When both parents communicate with one another about the activities and schedules of their children, the behavioral progress or challenges of their children one will soon relax, and they will become allies for the better of the good. Not intimate partners as some males seem twist and females as well.

No, just raising the children of this union to the best one’s ability, without confusion or drama. The fathers are needed for the boy’s growth and the mothers are need for the girl’s growth and both parents are need for each other growth into life success.

Religion can cause one to see the other parent as the enemy or the adversary because one maybe of this religion while the other is of another one. The conversations can be come heated as you hear “My son/daughter is not going to that church”. My son/daughter will not be a Muslim.

Photo by Associated Press

Say its not religion but different school. Some school prepare the children for colleges and have Prep College session in their curriculum, but one parent hates that school, or it could be vice -versa now its sum up as you trying to get back at me through my children.

Say these issues don’t arise until graduation and the school of his/her choice is 2,000 miles from home. Persons not of sound mind or putting the child best interest at heart, tend to want a dictate their choices.

Of course, by then the child is over 18 usually, so they can make their own choices. When one parents doesn’t understand compromising isn’t an attack on their character nor does it demean their worth.

 Its how life is successful, and this isn’t about the parents but the children.  You all are a team, regardless of how that team was drafted together by designed plan, by opportunities there he/she is or by marriage through extended family.

It’s all about the children and when a person understand that they will see a lot more of the pain women experience raising children while he is confine. Many family members will not support the mother of the children, saying I told you so.

Saying you knew what he was doing, now look at you. Many families will not encourage the woman, seldom want to be around the children and yes there are some who feel opposite but that’s not where we are today.

We are speaking the pain of incarceration and how a person gets it twisted into making you the enemy or the adversary about the way you are raising the children. The sad thing and the unspoken reality are this, in most cases, some people never saw the relationship as partnership and so you can’t embrace ally concepts, when you started off as competitors. 

Photo by Associated Press

You have one starting off as a drop out while attending college. Then the other family member started off selling drugs, shoplifting, while he/she is expanding their business.

When you haven’t seen healthy partnership in the house, in the community for the most part, you will embrace the encounter negatively. If you have been hurt by males, you seem to constantly want to prove to men how equal you are and that’s not where he is.

Until healthy relationships classes are taught, healthy families are seen throughout the urban communities, the history of who we are and where we came from. Well, boys will see girls as objects while men will seek to partner with women as lifetime investments and not part time snacks. My time is up and thank you for reading my articles. Please share as you chose.

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