
Image courtesy of Prostate cancer.net
Originally posted on Prostatecancer.net
As we drive to Chicago to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, we remember our lives together during the past 50 years. After my husband Danâs prostate cancer, bladder cancer, and host of other medical concerns, we werenât even sure weâd be celebrating 50 years. Weâre very grateful that we are.
After my husband’s cancer diagnosis…
Friendships that deepened
We talked about the friendships we made, and lost, over time. Seems that since he was treated for metastatic prostate cancer in 2008, friends have come and gone even more frequently. Weâre meeting some of our longtime Chicago friends this weekend, as of my writing this.
These friends are among those who supported us, helped us, and prayed for us during Danâs cancer. These are the friends who called often to see how Dan was doing and if there was anything they could do to help. Conversations were seldom wordy or detailed, just a quick hello, checking in, âwhat do you need,â âIâm here for you.â
These are the friends who sent restaurant gift cards, baskets of fruit, and frequent get-well cards. Itâs amazing how Danâs spirits were uplifted when he received get-well cards and little notes, some serious and some funny, from people who care. Itâs not so much the cards but the reinforcement that these are the people who are interested, who love us, who are available, who want the best for us. These are our people.
Friendships that ended
Then there are the friendships which ended when Dan was diagnosed with cancer. We were surprised by that, and itâs hard to imagine why. No one ever communicated a reason for disappearing. But we have some ideas.
We realized that itâs hard to not react when you see a friend who is going through chemo. Hair is gone, the skin is tinged yellow, energy is depleted, and there may be a significant weight loss or weight gain. It’s hard to see someone you care about going through all that. Many people are afraid they canât hide their shock.
Weâve been told by some people that theyâre afraid of âcatchingâ cancer. I was told once by a nurse that I couldnât stay with Dan during his chemo treatments because I might catch cancer from any of the patients receiving infusions. Hard to believe a nurse would say that, but apparently itâs a thought thatâs somewhat more widespread than we could imagine.
Why we lost friendships
For some people, âcancerâ is a word that fills them with immediate anxiety. They fear the disease, fear treatments, fear hospitals, and don’t want to hear anything about what the cancer patient may be going through. They may stay away due to survivorâs guilt because of their own good health.
And then thereâs helplessness: friends might feel inadequate to help or comfort, so they simply opt to stay away. They donât know what to say. They donât know what to do. Iâm sure there are a host of other reasons for lost friendships during cancer; these are just some weâve experienced.
The importance of being there
So where does that leave us? First of all, we appreciated the friends who remained true, and continue to be thankful for their presence in our lives. We accepted their help, werenât afraid to ask for help when we needed it, and enjoyed their company.
The friendships we lost taught us how to be a friend when someone we care about is diagnosed. Above all: be there, in whatever form that may take. Offer help or just do what you can to help even when itâs not asked. Many, many people donât want to ask for help or impose, so we take the initiative.
Listen: be available to just listen any time of day, anywhere, and make sure your friend knows youâre always available. If you donât know what to say, donât disappear – admit that – âI donât know what to say.â
Show empathy
Be prepared for what your visits may be like. The cancer may be very evident in your friendâs appearance, but donât show shock or dismay. Do some research so you know what your friend may be going through, but donât offer solutions or recommendations; just come prepared with a little knowledge.
Show empathy by not talking about your problems but by focusing on his. Send cards, have regular check-in calls, talk about things other than cancer, but donât ignore its presence, either. Be flexible when you visit; you never know whether your friend will want to talk, go out, or just rest in silence but with your company.
Yes, weâve lost friends because of cancer. But weâve been able to recognize and appreciate our true friends. Weâve also gained a whole community of people, such as this one, who share their experiences in the hope of helping others. Cancer doesnât need to be a disease of solitude.
#50YearsTogether #JourneyOfLove #Anniversary #Grateful #CancerSurvivor #LoveAndMarriage #ChicagoCelebration #HealthBattles